You can expect some changes in your children’s behavior when jumping a significant step: from preschool to kindergarten, and from kindergarten to elementary school.
So it’s best to be prepared.
Your best skills? Watch your children, talk to them, act quickly when they change and support their independence. These skills, with a few adjustments for age, should serve you well from kindergarten until graduation, says Deborah Newell, Triple P parenting program director at Community Partners, which serves families and children.
It takes patience and persistence to pry information from a child, says Terri Mortensen, child and family program manager at the Faulk Center for Counseling in Boca Raton. Ask your child specific questions on the ride home or while preparing meals.
“You might ask, ‘Who did you sit with at lunch? Or, did anything funny happen today?’ ” she says. You also can ask about your child’s favorite activities, such as anime or music, rather than just academics.
Don’t give up. If a particular subject doesn’t work, try another until you strike a chord, Mortensen says. “Just being interested in them can open them up,” she says.
It’s hard not to judge your child, so you must hear them out when they feel like talking, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. “They will come to you if they don’t feel they’re going to be judged or punished,” Mortensen says.
Changes at home, with friends can add stress
Besides the transition points in school, changes at home can stress your child, such as moving, marital or financial problems, says Sarah Siciliano-Hartt, child psychologist in Boca Raton.
Another cause that can affect behavior is problems with friends, Siciliano-Hartt says.
Ask your child what’s going on but also consult the teacher, parents of your child’s friends and the friends themselves, she says.
Look at the pictures your child may be drawing, as they may offer clues. Art is another way your child expresses anger, fear or frustration, Siciliano-Hartt says. When stressed, children are more likely to act differently rather than talk about it, she says. Attentive parents will notice changes in behavior, ask questions and take action.
Take every opportunity to listen to your child. Eat together and talk during breakfast, dinner and even snacks before after-school activities. “You might not be talking directly about issues you or they are worrying about, but if something is going on, you’ll know,” Newell says.
An important talk doesn’t necessarily need a lot of time.
“If your child needs you, give them two or three minutes now,” Newell says. “If you constantly tell them, ‘Later, not right now,’ that’s when they develop patterns of interrupting, or they start acting up to get your attention. I wish I had known that when I was raising kids.”
Also take every opportunity to communicate with the teacher before a problem arises. If your child uses an agenda, check it for homework assignments and notes from the teacher, she says.
“The minute something starts going wrong, the teacher will focus on that, and it can be downhill for the child,” she says.
Don’t wait for a crisis like that. Text or e-mail the teacher to ask what your child is doing well and build on that, Newell says.
“Parenting is 24-7. It’s exhausting,” she says. “You have to take care of yourself too. You have to build your stamina.”
Pre-k to kindergarten
Help your child master the basics.
“It’s always good to know where the bathrooms are or when it’s lunchtime,” Newell says. “It’s good to discuss the routines at school or read them a book about school. They like routines, so being consistent with them is important.”
Nervousness is common, she says. “If you notice they’re anxious, frustrated or sad, these are teachable moments. You don’t want to fix everything. You want them to learn how to problem-solve. It will build their confidence. We always tell parents, if there is new behavior or challenging behavior, figure out why,” she says.
“Kindergarten used to be what pre-k is now: learning to be social, taking turns. Kindergarten is now much more academic,” Newell says.
Besides learning where the classroom is, parent and child should ask about the teacher’s expectations and what type of independent learning the child will need to do. For example, kindergartners should be able to sit peacefully in a group, follow two- to three-step instructions, stand in line, respect others’ property and put things away. This should be an easy adjustment for children who already have attended pre-K, Newell says.
If your child encounters difficulties, discuss it with the teacher, Newell says. You may be able to communicate with the teacher via text if your job makes it hard to schedule a conference.
Children, particularly the youngest, benefit from visiting the new school and meeting the teacher, Siciliano-Hartt says. “This helps the child have some view of what’s coming,” she says.
When Miriam Similus, 5, had trouble following instructions in kindergarten at Village Academy in Delray Beach, her mother, Enith, scheduled a conference with the teacher. That helped Miriam improve, her mom says.
“Some kids tend to have trouble paying attention and staying in their seats in kindergarten,” Mortensen says. “It’s harder and it’s more structured. There are a lot more rules to follow, and it can be really overwhelming.”
The child may bring home a red card or a note from the teacher, Mortensen says. Other children may be anxious, shy or cry a lot. If this continues for more than a few weeks, it’s time to seek help from your child’s teacher.
“Your child may need extra support from you too,” Mortensen says. “You can spend quality time with them, reading books, talking about feelings, coloring. It can make all the difference.”
Learning new rules
The change from preschool to kindergarten involves learning to play with others and communicating without arguing, Newell says.
Even if your child is learning the new rules, he may have classmates who didn’t attend pre-kindergarten and don’t behave well. That’s when children can use a “peace table” or other ways to resolve conflicts, with help from their teacher.
Pedro Joseph keeps a reading log of his work with Jaylan, a 6-year-old kindergartner at Village Academy in Delray Beach. “It’s improving his reading, and I can be there to encourage him,” says Joseph, who works at a golf course and a restaurant to support his three sons.
School transitions are not always about schoolwork.
“Sometimes we solve problems,” says Rachelle Similus, 8, a second-grader at Village Academy. When a boy in her class “started to say mean things about me, I told the teacher, and we went to the peace table.”
This is when children may feel anxiety from the academic pressure of testing, Mortensen and Newell say.
“Some children may be lethargic; others will throw up at school or be clingy,” Mortensen says.
Watch out for third grade, Newell says. “There is a huge leap in academic standards. The need for reading comprehension goes up, and in math, there is a huge increase in abstract thinking,” she says. “And the writing requirements become larger.”
As if that weren’t enough, your child may change too, Newell says.
“They are starting to exhibit young adult socialization,” she says. “They are not quite as close to their parents. They are more concerned with what their peers are thinking. This can be unnerving. Parents say, ‘What happened to my cute little second-grader?’ ”
Newell has learned from experience. “In third grade, my daughter was crying and didn’t want to go to school,” she says. “My son in third grade got into a physical altercation after someone picked on him, and he finally had enough.”
Help for immigrant families
For children who recently immigrated, going to school here is a transition itself, says Sara Selznick, senior director of programming at the Achievement Centers for Children and Families in Delray Beach.
People who grew up in different cultures don’t always feel comfortable with seeking help from outside the family, Newell says. “It can be a stigma, so we concentrate on whatever is working,” she says. “We are geared at making very small changes that make a huge difference, like talking about the positive things the child is doing.”
Language barriers can make it hard for parents to communicate with teachers. Similus, mother of two girls who attend Village Academy, is taking English lessons at night to be sure she can keep track of her children's work.
The Palm Beach County School District offers English classes at more than 30 locations throughout the year. For registered students, there is additional help with career counseling, family literacy and students with disabilities. Call 561-649-6010.
• Sarah Selznick, senior director of programming, Achievement Centers for Children and Families
• Terri Mortensen, child and family program manager, Faulk Center for Counseling
• Deborah Newell, Triple-P program director, Community Partners
• Sarah Siciliano-Hartt, child psychologist in Boca Raton