Teens and peer pressure. Each stage of childhood has its challenges, especially when it comes to discipline.
So, why do schoolkids lie and teens break curfew? There are many reasons, says Deborah Newell, director of Triple P (Positive Parenting Program), which is funded by Children’s Services Council of Palm Beach County and run by Community Partners’ Parent-Child Center in Riviera Beach.
“If children are overtired, if they are hungry, if their environment is not consistent, and they are unable to regulate due to constant uncertainties and changes, they are going to act out in some way to get their parents’ attention,” Newell says. “Children, no matter their age, need structure and consistency. They need appropriate boundaries and limits. They learn that misbehaving often leads to the parent giving in just to get the child to conform.”
Preteens and teens can become rebellious as they evolve to full expression and more independence, according to HealthyChildren.org. Fostering communication with your teenager is crucial to teaching them they can talk to you about anything.
Everyday issues trigger most parent-child conflicts but offer opportunities to teach independence, HealthyChildren.org says. For example, your children might think they should be allowed a new privilege just because they’re a certain age or because their friends are doing it. If you focus on preparing them, you’ll turn potential sources of conflict into opportunities for them to master skills and demonstrate responsibility.
Offering a reward isn’t necessarily the best way to improve behavior, so is there a way to discipline at any age?
“You could promise me $1 million to solve an advanced algebraic equation within five minutes — never mind the fact that I have forgotten nearly everything I once knew about algebra — and as incentivized as I would feel, there is no way I’d win the money,” says Chris McGinnis, a psychologist at Boys Town South Florida. “I’d just say you’re being mean or unfair. It’s the same for a child who misbehaves.”
Children excel at explaining what they can do or should have done, but then it has little influence on the next time, McGinnis says. They just make the same mistake again.
Parents need to teach a motor sequence or muscle memory of understanding that there are negative consequences to certain behaviors, McGinnis says — just as learning to drive a car or throwing a ball requires practicing the motor sequence over and over until we have “unconscious competence.” In other words, try to take misbehavior in stride while instilling and practicing good behavior.
“There is an age-old notion that kids are born perfect little angels, and we can only destroy their perfection by any wrong and unthinking move as parents and teachers,” McGinnis says. “They come into this world not knowing a thing about eating with a spoon and wiping their mouths with a napkin, sharing with siblings or classmates, or using words instead of aggressive behavior to get what they want. All children misbehave. It is our job to socialize them, to teach them right from wrong.”
To achieve that effectively, Newell encourages parents to be available, show affection and maintain clear, calm communication with consistency and structure.
Causes for misbehaving:
• They want attention: Children often feel left out when a parent is occupied, such as on the phone. So they may hit a sibling to get attention. Strive to ignore negative behavior and praise positive behavior.
• They copycat: Children repeat what they see, such as something on TV or a peer misbehaving at school. Monitor your child’s interaction with TV, video games and online. Model your behavior in various situations.
• They test limits: When you establish rules, children want to see if you’re serious. Set clear limits and consistent consequences.
• They lack skills: Teach your child what to do in a situation instead of just punishing with a consequence after misbehavior. Demonstrate alternatives to learn from mistakes.
• They want independence: Children seek more autonomy as they become older, even though they may not be ready. Be firm with discipline and guidance.
• They've experienced a traumatic event: Children who've experienced a death in the family, suffered abuse or neglect, are dealing with serious issues at home or other traumatic experiences may act and react in unexpected ways. If you're concerned that your child's behavior may be cause by a trauma of some kind, you can seek help from the sources below or call the Mental Health Association of Palm Beach County for additional guidance at 561.801.4357.
• Dr. Chris McGinnis, psychologist, Boys Town South Florida
• Deborah Newell, program director, Triple P (Positive Parenting Program)