BLOG: How do we talk to our child about our separation?

Question: My daughter is 8 years old and is having a difficult time listening to me. She never had this problem before her father and I separated, which occurred three months ago. We are still living in the same home while we try to figure out how to best tell our daughter about our separation. We also have very different parenting styles. I know all these factors may be affecting her, but I am lost as to what to do.

Answer: It seems that your daughter is having a hard time adjusting to this new separation. It’s common for young children to become sad and/or confused when a major change occurs in their family. Although you have not told her directly about your separation, children are very keen to their parents' cues, so she may be noticing how you and her father are feeling.

Be honest

It’s important to tell your child why this change is happening in an age-appropriate manner. The best way to explain the situation is by being general about why the separation is occurring and only speaking for yourself.

If you can arrange it, it’d be good for you and your daughter’s father to explain the situation to her together. She may have questions, so you and her father need to discuss how each of you may react and how much information is needed to answer her questions. It's important to be honest, but be general and neutral.

When working with parents, I encourage them to see that it’s most important that children get the information they need from their parents, instead of finding out that information from others. This way, children can have their questions met and minimize the opportunity for false communication to occur.

Acknowledge your child's feelings

It’s also important for you to validate or acknowledge your daughter’s sadness and confusion. Although she may have seen you and her father struggling to get along, she loves both of you and depends on you for her physical and emotional well-being. By recognizing how she feels, you’re allowing her to communicate with both of you about how she is taking this change.

People grieve loss in different ways and have different periods where the loss is easier to manage than other times. Providing her with alternative coping skills when she is having one of those harder days can be helpful.

Some examples of coping skills are: writing about how she feels in a journal, listening to music, taking deep breaths or drawing. Therapy services can also be beneficial to assist your daughter process these changes and identify what she is feeling and how to manage those feelings.

Different styles, same consistency

Another factor you mentioned was that you and your child's father have different parenting styles. Experts have identified four parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. Each parenting style also differs as to whether a parent is responsive vs. unresponsive and demanding vs. undemanding toward the child.

So for example, an authoritative/demanding parent may set rules and enforce them, but also explains the reasons for the rules. This type of parent is assertive without being intrusive or restrictive. When an adult parents this way, a child may feel accepted and safe.

Meanwhile, an uninvolved parent may not demand much for the child, but may also provide little support or supervision. When an adult parents this way, a child may feel ignored or unimportant.

No matter your parenting styles, consistency is an important factor in a child's life. It offers a sense of safety that helps children feel confident and strong. Parental separation is difficult because of the very fact that it makes it harder for the parents to communicate – to get on the same page. But for the child’s sake, it helps to agree on some basic rules and family structures so the child knows what she can expect from each important, loving adult in her life.

While each parent may enforce the rules a little differently, the rules should basically stay the same. So you could say, "Mommy and Daddy may do things a little differently, but we both love you and will do what we can to help you during this change."

This is a difficult change not only for your daughter, but also for you and your daughter's father. Seeking the support you all need during this process is encouraged and recommended. You are all doing your best with what you know, and your daughter's greatest strength is knowing that you and her father only want the best for her.

Stephanie De La Cruz is a licensed mental health counselor with Center for Child Counseling in Palm Beach County.